What role should a family member play when someone shows symptoms of a mental disorder?
It seems like an easy question. If someone becom
es sick you would assume their family would gather around and help them get well. But as we all know, mental disorders are not like any other illnesses and families…well, if you want to know how complicated family relationships can be just read a recent comment by Leslie Khalsa on my August 2nd post on facebook. She wrote poignantly about how she feels her family has abandoned her and doesn’t want any extra “drama” in their lives because of her mental issues.
It would be easy for me to dismiss what Ms. Khalsa has written if I had not heard similar comments from other family members. I remember a couple in Iowa who approached me after I had given a speech and asked if I could help them find their son. He had been diagnosed with schizophrenia and had turned against them. Occasionally, he would telephone and that was a mixed blessing. While his mother was happy to know that he was alive, he would always end their calls with psychotic and hurtful rants reminding her of how sick he was.
From a man in Oklahoma, I heard a different viewpoint, more similar to what Ms. Khalsa described. His parents told him that he was weak because he suffered from major depression and that he needed to stop complaining and “pull himself up by his bootstraps.”
My relationship with Mike has not always been easy. Those of you who have read my book know that I lied about him threatening me in order to get him taken into a hospital rather than to jail. Later, I called the police and he ended up getting shot with a Taser twice. Another time, I ordered him out of my house when I discovered that he had stopped taking his medication.
Two sources that have helped me better understand Mike and myself are Dr. Xavier Amador’s book, I’m Not Sick, I Don’t Need Help, and the National Alliance on Mental Illness’s Family-to-Family course.
As parents we often wonder if we are doing the right thing when it comes to our children and when you add a mental disorder, the terrain gets rocky. I’ve had people tell me that I needed to get tough with Mike and not intervene until he hits bottom. What does that mean exactly? After all, he was arrested and shot with a Taser? Short of allowing him to go homeless — what’s left? Suicide?
Other times, I know my fears have caused me to be an enabler. It helps that Patti is Mike’s step-mom. While she certainly loves him, she sometimes can take a step back and see how Mike and I are engaging in destructive behaviors that are not good for either of us.
Of course, siblings have their own issues with an ill family member. I’ve heard of sisters who were jealous of all the attention that was being shown someone with a disorder. I’ve heard of brothers who got so frustrated they severed ties in order to protect themselves. That’s happened with spouses too. One spouse simply dropped her psychotic husband off at her in laws and said, “I’m done with him.”
I remember talking to Bebe Moore Campbell, the late novelist who specialized in writing about mental illnesses, and listening to her explain how she never was critical of anyone who walked away from a family member. Sometimes, she told me, it was the only way for that person to save themselves because severe mental disorders can be so caustic and devastating. “I’ve see how these illnesses can destroy relationships,” she said. “No one can judge anyone else until they walk in their shoes.”
My friend, Joel “Buddy” Wier III, a fabulous NAMI advocate in South Carolina, has been a leader in stressing the need for families to be included when it comes to therapy and discharges. Not only ago, Buddy sent me a note about a father whose adult child had been in and out of a local mental ward three times. Each time, he was discharged to the parent’s home, but the parents were never included in the discharge planning and not even told that their son was being released. Of course, the hospital blamed HIPPA.
I also remember a counselor at the Miami Dade County Jail who told me that his sister, who had schizophrenia, had seen more than a dozen doctors and literally hundreds of therapists during her thirty year struggle. Yet, the family was seen as part of the problem, ignored and often treated rudely. “But who was there when all of those others moved on?” he asked me rhetorically.
Which brings me to the point of this post. What role should the family play? Tell me the good experiences that you have had and the bad ones. I’m especially interested in advice that can be used by parents struggling to understand their suddenly disrespectful child or consumers who feel their families have abandoned them. How do you mend families broken by an illness? And how do you deal with mental health experts who don’t understand how important families are in recovery?
Perhaps by sharing your stories you can help someone else avoid the pain that you went through. I hope so. Be well and have a great week.
About the author:
About the author: Pete Earley is the bestselling author of such books as The Hot House and Crazy. When he is not spending time with his family, he tours the globe advocating for mental health reform.
